Hello my lovely!
This info comes from a course I did by Terry Real - Staying in Love. The Art of Fierce Intimacy. What a delicious title eh? Who doesn’t want that? But we were not taught these skills!!!
The challenge in conflict resolution is that we must get out of our adaptive child brain and into our adult (prefrontal cortex) brain.
OK, so we get triggered. We don't need to understand why or where it comes from (yet). We just need to realize we have been washed with an uncomfortable feeling and all of a sudden we react. These reactions show up in what you’ve heard before as fight, flight (fleeing/stonewalling) or fix.
This triggers our child brain and asks what’s wrong with you (or me) that you don’t do what I want you to do. (Unmet childhood needs is what it comes down to). Blaming where we came from is a victim mentality and we have evolved past that. Now we learn so we can do better as adults.
Basically, a person (when triggered) on the vertical axis which measures self esteem, is ‘one down’ shame (inferior, not worthy, not lovable), or ‘one up’ grandiosity (superior, entitled, deserves).
On the horizontal axis which measures boundaries, we have walled-off (love avoidant, protected) or boundaryless (fix them so you can feel better). Healthy is the middle point, healthy self esteem and healthy boundaries. Conflict will happen. It’s what we do with it that matters.
We need to recognize that there is no one better, no one less. Yes, someone can be better at tennis, or making money, but no one is a better human being. Nice reminder Terry.
A walled off person might be protected, but they won’t be connected. It’s like they live in an empty fortress. A boundaryless person takes everything in and is love dependent. The key here is to become healthy, which is to be protected and connected. We need boundaries, which is a part of healthy self esteem, but we can’t make another person responsible for how we feel about ourselves.
A walled-off person is like the avoidant attachment, which triggers the (boundaryless) one who fears abandonment and is hungry for emotional connection. They often become needy and demanding when their partner is closed off. It’s a very common dynamic as this pair is typically attracted to each other. The point is to heal these hurts we all have inside. It really doesn’t matter which one you are, what matters is dealing with it more skillfully so we don’t have to hurt so much or hurt our partners.
The work? If you are walled off, your goal is to take down your wall (soften). If you are boundaryless you have to regulate your own well being, before you get into conflict resolution.
There is a lot to this, so I want to stop here. If you have any questions so far, please let me know and I’ll explain this part further.
We'll get closer to the resolution part next Saturday!
In the meantime, think about this:
Terry is so good. He says:
Before you speak (or shut down) - what is the impact going to be on my person? Put yourself in their shoes.
”If it’s not kind, I’m not interested. Say it like you’re on my side and I will listen.”(Ladies, in my experience, this is very true when it comes to men. They really do want to help us, but at times we can be mean so they shut down).
All my love, and wishing you confidence within your conflict! And a partner who is willing to do this work with you. A real relationship requires both people.
K 💛
