Experiencing a broken connection?

Hey there!

I hope you had a wonderful holiday and are looking forward to what’s in store for you this year! I will be working on kindness and compassion for the next little while. What are you working on?

I’m writing to you today because I’m in the arena with you. Not perfect and in my flawed humanness while wanting to squeeze out the best that life has to offer. And it’s not always easy when we have others in our sandbox not behaving in ways we would like!

When I experience a broken connection it affects my heart at a deep level. I’m not as light, happy or excited about anything. An ex of mine used to say Kristi, relationships aren’t all roses and unicorns (even though I thought they should be)!

When an important connection has been broken, I know there is something I need to learn. So I reflect. What was my part? Was I acting in my adaptive child self, or my mature adult self?

Recently, I acted out my wounded child. I was demanding and unkind. And no man wants to give to a mean woman.

So, I went back to my books and teachers and had to figure this out. Sneak peak - conflict resolution will be the topic for the next little while!

When we have a rupture in an important relationship, both people are not being their best selves. Anger causes defensiveness. It causes shut down (typically) in men, and women tend to get needy. I dislike that word, but it's true 🤮. We want what we want after all. But this push/pull does not get the outcome we long for. Which, in my opinion, is connection.

Here’s the takeaway for today. When you are triggered and acting from your wound (childlike behavior) - DO NOT PROCEED WITH ANY COMMUNICATION. Call me, call a friend, take a walk, go into another room. Meditate. Breath. TAKE A BREAK. Center yourself and get your nervous system back online. Yes, we can co-regulate each other, but for now, this is on you. This is your work to do. Not only for your own well being, but for the person you care about also.

Only once you are back into your adult, calm, kind and compassionate self will you do any good to mend the rupture. Schedule a time when you’ll both come back to repair.

So, be aware of yourself. As Terry Real (family therapist in RLT (relational life therapy)) says, “What makes a good person is what you do next, after the rupture.”

I’ll be sharing more of Terry’s work that has helped me tremendously in dealing with my adaptive child behavior. There isn’t a human on this earth that wouldn’t be helped by learning these important skills.

Best of luck and know you’re not alone in the struggle! Haha

All my love,
K 💛

Let me know if you can relate! I love hearing from you!

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https://www.everythingbeginswithin.com/blog