Cycles, boundaries and losing strategies

Hey there!

Ok, so you accept that as humans, we will have conflicts. There’s nothing wrong with you. Each one of us has unique triggers and as much as I’d love to say you can heal them, I’m not sure that’s true. The trigger might always be there, it’s what you do with it that matters. The healing lives in each opportunity to accept what is, and learn the skills to a quicker and kinder resolution of each conflict. Understanding the trigger helps in understanding and accepting yourself, which is all we’re really here to do.

All relationships go through the process of harmony, disharmony, repair. OR closeness, rupture, closeness. OR Balance, imbalance, balance. These are regular cycles and we need to learn how to handle them better. (We are not taught this as a culture). A good relationship survives the pattern. It doesn’t get stuck. But you need skills. (Terry Real).

You’ve heard a lot about boundaries. Me too. But I really liked how Terry described this. How to create a boundary? Close your eyes, take some full breaths and picture your favorite peaceful place. Feel it. Maybe the sun on your face, the sound of a stream or crickets chirping, a mountain top view, by the ocean. Somewhere you feel so good. Now surround your body with a bright light that extends past your body. Allow yourself to see through it, like a window within this place you are in. So you can see what’s out there. Now you have a boundary.

When we’re out of balance or feel a rupture, we tend to make up stories. One very good question to ask yourself is, is it true or not true? Ask around. If it’s true, relax and look at it. If it’s not true, don’t let it in. This is about them, not you. This is one way to keep yourself within your boundary where you are always safe. If we allow someone’s projection or opinion in, without asking that one question, we can give away our power and that doesn’t feel good. Be conscious of what you allow in.

Mine is like a purple bubble, soft, translucent and malleable, so things that come to me can bounce right off if I choose to not allow it in. (I’ve done this for years particularly when I had to learn to not take things personally). The image really helped me and still does to this day!

Here are some tips from Terry Real I jotted down:

• When triggered, contain yourself. Note the difference between an invitation, a request and a demand.

• Work on your self-esteem. You don’t need someone to validate your worth.

• Have courage. Do it anyway. Re-engage.

• Get off your high horse. No one is better than anyone else.

• Negotiate your wants/needs. How to tolerate when you don’t get your way.

I’ll provide Terry’s repair process next week. Sorry there’s so much info! For now, here are what he calls the “5 losing strategies of the adaptive child” that won’t get you what you want. I guess I’m letting you know what NOT to do, before I suggest what you can do! Haha.

1. Being right

2. Controlling your partner (or child, boss, mother etc)

3. Venting (unbridled self expression)

4. Retaliation (I’ll do to you what you did to me)

5. Withdrawal (leaving or shutting down without explaining a time that you’ll return back)

Don’t let your child take the wheel! Take some time to observe what you tend to do when triggered and try to do your best to not do these things listed above. They will not yield you the results you are looking for. Which is moving from disconnection and back into connection.

PS. If you have a real life example of a struggle you’re in right now, we can tackle it together. Just reach out and we can schedule a call. There is a way out. And the power is within you. When you change how you show up, the situation automatically has to change.

All my love,
K 💛