Conflict and repair process

Hey there!

The last few weeks I’ve explained the issues that come with conflict and what breaks connection. We all have conflict, it's normal and there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship if you have them. In fact, to have none at all could be an indication of something wrong! So what to do… again, this is all based on Terry Real’s work, and please research him for a deeper dive, or set up a time with me and I can walk you through this to get you back into connection.

Often the dynamic is a pursuer vs distancer. One needs more and one shuts down. So frustrating, I know! 

When in your trigger, try to talk to yourself and your partner this way.:

Admit where I am. It’s not good. I’m not nice. I feel scared. I’m sorry. Please help me through this to my wise adult. I can’t solve my trigger in my adaptive child, or communicate properly. It’s no one else’s job to handle my adaptive child, but we can help co-regulate each other. 

This creates an open and caring opportunity for repair, vs blaming, name calling and additional shut down or pain. 

Remember, when someone is in their ‘trigger,’ try not to take it personally. They are just in their ‘adaptive child.’ It’s not personal. It’s usually not about you at all. 

Also remember, who you’re speaking to is someone you love. And you want things better. You want to repair. Only the wise adult can do this, not the child). Person ONE is the one with the issue. Person TWO is the repairer. You get 2 sentences per step, so 8 sentences. This is key.

PERSON ONE:

1. This is what happened… You reiterate the scene as if it had been videotaped. Ex. You said you’d be home at 7 for dinner and you weren’t. 

2. The story I told myself… (what you made up about it). This takes honesty, courage and vulnerability. 

3. What I felt was… (joy, pain, anger, fear, shame, guilt, love). A feeling is NOT, I felt you were…, or I felt like you didn’t care. Those aren’t feelings. So many want to skirt around the feelings! Ha, me included. WE WEREN’T TAUGHT THAT OUR FEELINGS ARE OK. 

4. This is what I would like…

Now detach from the outcome. 

PERSON TWO: Acknowledge what was said. Reiterate what you heard. Ask if you got it right? Your response is intended to disarm your partner. I’m sorry, I’m going to…. 

The key here is that person two does not have to give you everything you want. But keep it in the positive. Don’t talk about what you’re NOT going to do. 

PERSON ONE: Thank you. I appreciate that. Is there anything I can say/do that will help you deliver on that? 

Next week I’ll discuss the last of this series about conflict and understand if this relationship is worth your while. 

Be easy on yourself and your person. Change is hard. This is changing how you handle conflict. I’ll be the first to say, it’s easy to understand and very hard to do. But I’m committed to figuring it out, are you? 

All my love and support to you as we play with others! 🥰

Kristi 💗