A communication tool to resolve conflict
Since we are dealing with all kinds of people in this world, we may not always easily see things the same way. Right? One accident and many different stories of how it happened.
We also didn’t learn effective communication, so unless you’ve done some of your own training, many simply lack the skills, which can cause a conflict to escalate very quickly when what you want is a resolution.
Through my studies, I’ve found this a lovely way to generate peace, connection and understanding when a relationship hits a stage of conflict:
Schedule a time that works for both of you to discuss the problem. Let your partner know the topic for discussion.
Come to that meeting prepared with what is actually bothering you and what you need. (Don’t worry about HOW, as you will figure this part out together as a team)
The partner who wanted the meeting goes first. They are to get their side heard. NO INTERRUPTING. If you do, and you probably will, apologize and allow them to continue. Be present and don’t start thinking about your rebuttal. You will get your time when it’s your turn. Skill required: Listening without judgement or defending yourself. Easier said than done, but it’s imperative to be a good listener here. 👊
Once they are done, you need to summarize what you heard them say, then ask them, did I get it right? (If they didn’t make themselves clear to you they will need to explain it again so that you ‘hear’ them. Do that process until they feel that you heard them. (This is not a place where you tell them they are wrong. This is how they feel and are allowed to have their side. So no right or wrong. Remember this. You are just listening and paraphrasing what you heard them say.
Once they say yes, you got me, ask if they have any more to share about that. Keep going and paraphrasing until they are empty.
Now, it’s the other partners turn! Same steps 3-5. Listening to understand and ask if you got it right.
Brainstorm together what you can both do to create the solution. Get out of what you ‘should’ do and get into what you both need.
Once you’ve both been heard, you should both feel better. What doesn’t work is interrupting a lot, name calling, snide remarks thrown in, rude looks, rolling of eyes, impatience.
Stay present with an open caring heart and a desire to resolve this problem together with love and understanding. This is someone you care deeply about.
This same problem, when found an agreed upon solution, should not have to be dealt with again. This is called moving forward and staying out of the past. Many issues aren’t resolved properly so they tend to linger. That’s not where you want to live.
You are smart people and I know that with love and this kind of attention to each other, you will get past your problems and get back into making love, not war. 💜
And don’t be scared of conflict! It’s a great way to get to know our partners better, while increasing our own skills of vulnerability and growth!
If you need a hand, feel free to reach out. It can save you time and unnecessary lingering pain.
All my love,
Kristi xoxo
