Attachment styles 101

Hello!

I just finished reading the book ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I was hesitant to read it because I dislike putting people in boxes. I believe we all have a little of everything in us. But to summarize, there are 3 Attachment Styles:

ANXIOUS - people who are preoccupied with their relationships and worry if they will be loved back

AVOIDANT - intimacy feels like a loss of independence so they minimize closeness

SECURE - people feel comfortable with intimacy and are warm and loving

I believe the purpose of a relationship is to provide a loving safe place where you are heard and understood. But this takes skill. In order for someone to hear you - you need the time to explain, and to be understood - they need to know your truth. 

It isn’t so that no one goes anywhere else. It’s so you can both go into the world, do your best and feel more confident knowing someone has your back. To allow someone to support your emotional well being sounds absolutely delicious!

I get torn between allowing (accepting) someone to be ‘who they are’ yet wanting my needs to be met. 

Here’s what I think we need to try:

1. Share our attachment styles and begin communicating our needs to each other

2. Where might we have a hard time providing for each other (example: anxious people need more reassurance, while avoidants need more space). 

3. Realize we are all types at different times

I think to be fulfilled we need real partnership. Not just a wife/husband, gf/bf etc… and that means being the best partner for your partner. Who begins? The one who wants it.

If you don’t share honestly though, they won’t know what you need. I believe this is the biggest issue around.

I’ve been trying to understand why I feel discomfort in telling someone what I need. And I think it’s simply because I didn’t realize they would. It’s confusing to be independent yet to stay open to receive the necessary things I need to feel loved. 

I think in childhood, we got what we got. Were your needs met? Could you ask for them or were you denied them? 

My biggest fear is being needy. In a world so masculine based I’m really trying to encompass more of my femine and it’s tough sometimes. We all have needs. Let’s try to communicate them to our partners. Without demanding or manipulating. Just with sincere honesty and kindness. 

What I also loved was at the very end of the book:

There are 3 misconceptions:

1. Everyone has the same capacity for intimacy

2. Marriage is the be all and end all

3. We alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partners responsibility

It was #3 that motivated me to write this. New perception for me. And I love it! Basically, if our needs are unmet, love alone is not enough. 

One more thing I found interesting: with the wrong partner we can compromise our self esteem and happiness by ignoring our most basic needs trying to be someone we’re not. 

That’s enough for today hey? 

Love ya! 💋

Kristi 

Life Coach & Mentor