Hey hey you!
I enjoy how Gabor Maté explains attachment and authenticity. So I figured I’d better share this with you!
In my life right now, I’m getting better at understanding how impactful my triggers, wounds and past experiences affect my current relationship. And now I’m invited (again) to get really good at handling them.
Have you ever thought, why am I still dealing with this same (argument, person, situation, addiction)? I'll guess it has something to do with a deep need you had as a child that was unmet and you still require this need to be met.
It takes many skills to heal our issues. And it’s not personal - every single one of us has needs that weren’t met. You need to understand the dynamic. Then you’ll need patience, vulnerability, vocabulary and kind communication skills to approach it. It’s pretty interesting though once you do. And you can do this.
Gabor says we all have the need for attachment and authenticity. Attachment is the important bond between a primary caregiver and the child. We are wired for attachment. Authenticity is to be in touch with and act as ourselves (bodies/emotions). We get ‘gut feelings’ and we need it to survive.
If being authentic ever caused you to not be accepted, you suppress yourself to maintain the attachment. (We give up some aspect of ourselves). This is where we give up our gut feeling for being attached and we suffer.
“Then we take our lack of authenticity and need for attachment into our relationship. It’s hard. So we’ve got 2 inauthentic people with the task to grow up (mature) together so we can be ourselves and still be in a relationship. Can be a beautiful and messy challenge.” Brilliant Gabor.
We suppress ourselves to be accepted. As adults we still do this. Let’s not be hard on ourselves. Be aware and notice how it impacts you. Where are you not saying no? Where are you not saying yes? What is it costing you? The issue often isn’t about happiness - it’s actually authenticity.
This is why in my work with clients, often the biggest question no matter what the issue is, who are you really?
This was helpful also. We have implicit (unconscious) memory - no recollection of the hurt. The circuits of explicit recall memory aren’t online until around 2-3 yrs old (more robust at 5-6 yrs). Whereas circuits of emotional memory (impact) happen in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy! So you get this right? Many of the triggers we have we may not even realize where they came from because we can’t remember them. But we feel them.
These early attachment scenarios really play a part in our later lives and are almost universal. It’s important to communicate what’s happening. And if your reaction is out of proportion it’s always about the past.
So share your attachment style and help your people out! This is not an opportunity to blame. Remember, where you got the issue isn’t the issue. It’s yours now.
There’s a lot to the attachment stuff, but I like to keep things simple (which does not mean it’s easy). It is also the cause of many addictions (and I have more on that coming soon).
It’s easier to explain when we look at your specific experience. So let me know if you need some help with this. You probably do need some help with it. Maybe next week I’ll give you my personal example to put more meat on the bone. I love real life examples so maybe you do too!
Ok, talk to you next week.
xo
K 💛
