Hello darling friend,
Are you aware of your core wound? In short, it’s an emotional injury that stems from the past. It's all about “am I enough.” Even though I’m flawed, will you still love me? And even though you were loved as a child, you may not have been loved in the way you needed it. This applies to everyone.
Here’s what happens for me. It’s a Sunday, me and my man are chillin’ on the couch. We’ve had a great weekend! Amazing food, drinks, laughs, connection. But he hasn’t touched me much today. (And he’s been kind of quiet come to think of it). He’s lying there peacefully, enjoying the show on TV. And here goes my thoughts…
Why isn’t he lying beside me? He knows I like to be cuddled. Would he prefer I not be here? Do I even want to be here? He doesn’t touch me enough. Is he attracted to me? I should just leave. Maybe he’s not for me.
I’m aware that not all emotions are logical. And I know what to do. So I breathe. I know my thoughts are not true and are taking me somewhere not good. Is my period coming?
I calmly tell him I haven’t felt very close to him today. That he hasn’t been very affectionate and I’d like some. He says, "OK babe, I’ll come cuddle you in a bit."
Enter - the trigger. In a bit??? I’ve waited all bloody day!! I begin to get flooded. I’m lost in knowing what I ‘should’ do - shut my mouth, go to the bedroom, regulate my nervous system. But I can't move my body.
Instead I keep talking. Should I just leave? Do you even want me here? You’ve been quiet today. Are you even happy? Long story short, he leaves (typical shut down). I go home and we don’t talk all week. Thank god for having our own places!
What I’ve come to learn is that when I need attention and don’t get it, I can turn into the little girl in me who didn’t get it but needed it. I had great parents who had 4 kids. It’s clear I didn’t receive the attention I needed. So I went out into the world to get it. And I sure did!
But you see, the wound is still there.
I believe the purpose of romantic relationships is for growth and healing. And we can help each other. The commitment we give to another is to say, I will give you what you didn’t get as a child. First we will trigger each other to learn where the pain is.
Mine is affection. What do you think yours might be? To feel safe? To be heard? To be seen? To feel supported?
I want to love him better than anyone else has. And that’s the journey of love. Not always easy though right? We don’t have to keep coming back to each other after a rupture - but we do. We talk about it and learn how to do it better. We will fail again and that’s OK. That’s what love does and that’s something I can’t really explain.
If your heart is still in it, you just keep trying. It IS quite a beautiful and messy thing.
Good luck with your mess. We all have some.
All my love,
K 💛
