Hey there,
I’m seeing a lot of grief going on around me so I felt compelled to write about it. I believe this is yet another emotion that connects us all, as we have either dealt with this or will deal with it at some point.
If you are grieving, here are some ways I cope while I heal, and my hope is that it helps you.
Whether your grief is from heartbreak or the death of a loved one, the routes to healing are different. To lose a spouse vs a parent is different. To lose a marriage of 30 years is different than one of 3 years. But the effects on your heart and how you handle the grief matters, no matter who you’ve lost.
While many people love you and want you well, I’ve found grief is best healed in the alone moments. It’s a time to see yourself, be with yourself and to know yourself in a very raw way.
In healing from heartbreak, it’s important to cry. This is the body’s natural way to release the hurt emotion. You’ve got to get it out or it can turn into bitterness and resentment. Yes, this applies to men as well. Sadness is a human emotion.
Once the majority of tears have been released it’s been helpful for me to write a goodbye letter. This letter (whether you send or not) is to capture the gratitude for this relationship. Be specific. What did you love about your person? What will you miss? What did you learn about yourself? This is not to blame or explain how they hurt you. This they know.
If you can’t get into a state of gratitude, then you haven’t released the emotion enough. There’s no way but through bud.
When we can accept we are in pain because we loved, we can see the gift they were to us.
When you think about this person from now on, you'll think of this letter and won’t have to carry any negative baggage into your next relationship. End with love. It just feels better.
(this of course is a process and can take time. If you need more guidance, please feel free to reach out to me. This is my coles notes version).
Healing from a death was a different process for me. I created a playlist of songs about fathers and daughters that resonated with me. Listening to the music allowed me to really feel the pain of this forever loss. I had to honor what I would be missing: he would never ‘give me away’ or walk me down the aisle, he wouldn’t see future grandchildren, drink whiskey, talk with me and empower me with his wisdom, hug me, play cards with me. I bawled. And bawled.
I also researched a lot about near death experiences. I wanted to know where he was. Other people's stories gave me a lot of relief. I meditated a ton and held my heart.
I didn’t work and didn’t talk to many people other than my family who were feeling the same way as me. That really helped. I did feel a grace fall upon me after a couple of weeks. I’m sure it was him. I thought about him more than I ever had when he was alive. So weird.
This part also was weird. I noticed the grief I was experiencing wasn’t only from my dad passing. (I think) it was an accumulation of many other hurts I had had that I hadn’t grieved properly, although I couldn't put my finger on a particular hurt. It was like I finally had permission to be really sad. I remember saying to my sister - I’m not sure I’m only crying for Dad anymore.
I still cry at random for my losses and even writing this brings me to tears remembering how sad I've been. And that's OK.
As a society, I don't believe we do a great job of dealing with grief. No wonder depression is at an all time high. Maybe people are just sad?
And finally, don’t be afraid to love again. If it didn't feel so damn good, it wouldn't feel so damn bad to lose them. And love with all you’ve got. You don’t know how long you'll have them.
All my love to you,
Kristi ❤️
