Why looking outside of ourselves for happiness never works

Have you ever heard yourself say, ‘well if you did ____ , then I would feel better.’ 

We think that if we get what we want (or deserve) through another then we’ll feel good. And we do - temporarily. I challenge you to feel good regardless of your circumstance. 

The moment we rely on another to affect our state of being - we’ve lost our power. 

My mentor explained to me, think of yourself on a bridge. You’re on one end being your happy self. And your person (boss, partner, friend...) is clearly not. You stay on your side of the bridge. They can come to you - but don’t meet them where they are. Maybe they need a hug or a loving word. The point is, don’t allow what someone else is going through to knock you out of your good feeling place. This doesn’t mean we aren’t supportive or kind. It just means we are grounded and not susceptible to other people's emotional experiences. 

Maybe you are thinking, ‘I was in such a good mood, until you....’ Please realize if someone can knock you off so easily, maybe you weren’t fully centered yourself. 

Another big one is stuff. If I had that vehicle (or house or outfit or or or) then I would be happy. Those things are nice, I’ll be the first to say that! (hello BMW!). But that kind of happiness is fleeting. True happiness comes from within. It’s a feeling that money can’t buy. You can’t purchase contentment. You can’t purchase laughter. You can’t purchase love. These are circumstances you create.

I’m in charge of what I do. What I feel. What I say. What I want. Taking accountability for everything in your life is so important. That’s what gives you your power. And think about it - there’s really not a whole lot of things you can control. Care about others, but stop wasting time worrying about them. They also are accountable for themselves. 

You decide what to put in your body, on your body, the words you speak and how you spend your time. And when you look after your own happiness, bring it to others! They’ll be glad you did!

Personal example: How I move from frustration back into joy 

Oh my, being with this guy is like being on a roller coaster at Disneyland. It’s so high and exciting when we’re together - and then the ride is over and I impatiently wait for the next ride, which can be quite frustrating. And it’s not that we don’t keep in touch, it just feels way more connected when we are face to face vs. on text. 

Here’s what I do:

I get quiet and reflect. I feel my feelings about it. No sense pushing it away. Honor the frustration that he’s not doing what would make me ‘feel’ better (outside of myself). I then focus on who IS in my life and really bask on other connections that feel good. 

I reflect on times in my life where I’ve been fickle. An ex used to call me that! I’d be one foot in, one foot out and he just wasn’t sure where I’d be next. Heck, I didn’t know where I’d be next. Now, I go from frustrated to a sense of understanding and compassion. I know what it's like to not be sure of what I want. Now I’m starting to feel better. And keep in mind, I actually have no idea what’s going on for him. But the thoughts I think about it (right or wrong) will affect me. Now I’m thinking about what I actually want. 

Now I’m getting clarity on just how important connection is to me - and not just in the bedroom or on a date. Using this experience is allowing me to get to know myself better. Now I’m feeling grateful for our experience which is a much higher vibration than frustration. 

The question isn’t, will I see him again. The question is, as this is showing up (in the meantime), how am I going to stay in alignment with the best part of me, regardless of where this goes and what he does? Remember, it’s life experience that teaches. There is no problem with this situation, it’s how I handle it, that’s important to my heart.

Now I allow myself to dream about what I do want and how it will feel. To reflect on how we are connected and what I love about our time together feels good. And regardless, whether it’s him or someone else, I’m in charge of what I do and how I feel. 

I don’t allow him to occupy all the space in my thoughts (unless they are good). I have so many other good places to put my attention. And finally I’m there. Back in my own power, happy and send him love. May we all find our way to our own happiness. 

The second part of this inSight - notice what I didn’t do? I didn’t put myself down or think I’m not good enough for him. Pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough - whatever. If it was supposed to be, it would be. He’s great, I’m great - and that’s all there is to it! 

Sometimes we just give too much of our power away to situations that we have no control of. I have a part to play in all my relationships. But I can’t control what other people want or do. Reasons, seasons or lifetimes? Each experience in your life happens for a reason. And what you do with it matters. 

Always take the time to go within before acting on any decision. You may just realize that you need ‘do’ nothing.

Let me know if there is anything keeping you from feeling good about a situation you find yourself in. As always, I’m here for you. 💝

All my love,

K