Some thoughts on forgiveness
Challenges in forgiveness arise when we think someone should change so we can feel better. But this is exactly when we lose our power. That’s what feels terrible.
Also, we fear that in forgiving, we are condoning the behavior, which is not the case. We forgive to free ourselves, not them. When we hold someone in contempt we are not releasing the energy that is keeping us stuck.
To truly forgive someone, it’s easier if you can shift the thought (power) from them to you.
There’s usually at least one blessing in a bad situation. Find it, and focus on how it helped you become a better person or created a better circumstance. Some examples:
Forgive your last partner, because it’s brought you your current lover.
Forgive your friend from leaving you because it opened up the door for better friends.
Forgive your mother for the hurtful comment she said one time, and forgive yourself because you carried it for 15 years.
Forgive the infidelity because it created more honest communication and made you both realize you had something to learn. This can make you a stronger couple.
Forgive your boss for booting you out the door. You had a better road to go down once that job was released.
Forgive your ex, because without them you wouldn’t have had these wonderful kiddos.
Forgive the kid who stole from you. They are clearly in a worse position than you.
Forgive your parent who died, for they taught you that love is all there is and you will never love in fear again.
Forgive the person who bullied you. They taught you to never treat someone the way you were treated. Hurt people hurt people. Don’t be a hurt person.
Forgive yourself. For not knowing what you don’t yet know. For being hard on yourself. For blaming others when you know your life is not up to anyone else. For feeling bad when you can’t control the other. For losing your power and feeling weak. Everyone is a teacher and we are always a student.
If you can find the blessing, you go from a state of hurt, to a state of gratitude. Most often you can look back and say wow, that was tough, but look at where it brought me to. Time allows for this, but only if you are looking with this lens.
This inner work is what actually frees us. When someone else brings out a part of me that hurts, they are showing me there’s a part of me that needs to grow.
Kristi Hiller
My deepest love,
K
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