Infidelity is a choice

Dearest friend,

I felt this to be an important topic to write about after the last 4 inSights. I didn’t offer this as an ‘option’ to a crossroads situation because I think we can do better than that. (Apparently not all people will want to do better. I had a great guy friend years ago ((who had a wife and a mistress)) provide me with a convincing article that said certain men can just never be faithful). OK, sure. Haha.

Betrayal. This is a touchy topic. It happens. I wish it never happened or would never happen again.

Who’s to blame? Is it the person not meeting their partners needs, or is it the cheater themselves?

Do you forgive, or walk away? If you forgive, will it happen again? People are human and make mistakes.

I’m not here to discuss if it has happened. I’m here to provide some different questions so that it doesn’t have to happen.

Infidelity has been going on since the beginning of time. And I’m sure it’s not going anywhere. My question from a very long time ago has always been, why? Why do people cheat?

To be transparent here, I don’t have much experience with cheating on or being cheated on. That being said, I remember when I was young, maybe 20. I had a long distance boyfriend but really wanted to kiss this guy I worked with. It was mutual. I gave it some thought. I figured I wouldn’t be marrying the guy I was with, and I wanted to experience everything while I was ‘young and not married.’ I was also leaving that town, so we kissed. I kept it to myself. It was about me, not my boyfriend. I still knew it was wrong though.

Throughout my life, I’ve seen, heard and researched ALOT on this topic. This is by no means written to shame anyone. Everyone has a story and it’s not mine to judge. I don’t believe anyone wakes up and thinks, oh today I’m going to screw up my life. There are many reasons people cheat.

My hope - for anyone out there who loves their partner - is to stay loyal. DO NOT CHEAT. I’m not saying stay in the relationship if it’s not working. Cheating is a bandaid, a cover-up, a short thrill. And it just doesn't work in the long term.

If you are in a tough spot in your relationship and are considering cheating - please reach out to me. It’s too complicated to explain here. We can save you time, pain, money and a tarnished reputation.

I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of someone being happy about an infidelity. Can you learn and grow and become stronger because of it? Possibly. It has happened. But it’s risky man.

Here’s what you can ask yourself:

• What are you hungry for that isn’t being satiated by your current partner?

• If you got caught, who would be affected by it? Seriously. Write this out. You will be letting a lot of people down.

• Is being a cheater something you want living within you? I know people who still carry guilt in their hearts many years later.

• Have you talked to your partner about the temptations you’ve been feeling?

• What do you think cheating will get you?

• Do you really want to inflict a lifetime of hurt onto someone you love?

• If you don’t love them, can you let them go first?

You know when you’re tempted and you know whether or not the kinds of conversations you’re having are appropriate or not.

You do not need to live without getting your needs met. You also don’t need to run around on someone you’ve committed to for your own personal short term satisfaction. That’s just not a loving thing to do.

You do need to get real honest with yourself. What’s really going on for you? How did you get to this point?

And be careful. This can begin very slowly and innocently. Our devices allow us to connect easily and these ‘connections’ can make us feel good. You feel seen, heard and it can be exciting. What’s new that’s not exciting?

You’re a good person. I’m sure you know of a good person who has cheated. And it really really hurt another good person. And it can be prevented. That’s my message today.

All my love,
K 💛