How to help someone change
Hello again!
Continuing on from last week, with Dr. Stuart Ablon. This is about the times we (or our people) screw up and how we (they) may lack the skill to change, not the will.
When we act unreasonably, the outside world reacts in punitive ways, which adds more stress and gets in the way of skill development, which escalates the bad behaviour, and then they 'up the anti' to the discipline so it becomes a cycle of chronic stress and it becomes worse and worse. (People with kiddos can probably relate to this a lot)!
The solution ➡️ RELATIONAL DISCIPLINE
It is in helping. BUT, don’t confuse simple with easy.
Pick a problem you have with someone. Now pick a plan for how you want to deal with it:
PLAN A - Impose your will to make them do it (power and control)
PLAN B - Collaborative problem solving in a mutual satisfactory way
PLAN C - Drop you expectation (this is a strategic choice)
If you pick B, which I hope you do, you can be a helper to get the change. Here’s Dr. Ablon's suggestion. And remember practice and patience.
STEP 1) Empathy = Understanding
Get to understand their perspective, point of view, concern, what’s hard for them. Once you understand, you will naturally empathize. Plus it’s the most powerful human regulator. So how?
Ask questions. Be a detective
You can guess (if they’re having a hard time answering your questions). So when they say “I don’t know”
Reflective listening - let them know you really heard them by saying what you think they mean in your own words
Reassure them - You won’t revert to solving their problems or telling them what to do. What you want to say here is “I’m sure you have a good reason for…”
