How to apologize fully

Well hello there,

Have you ever had someone apologize to you and it didn’t feel good? Something either felt missing or it actually made you feel worse? Or, have you ever apologized to someone and it ended up in a fight all over again?

Here’s my take on this. “The second step of a sincere apology is a change in behaviour.”

Years ago I remember feeling so annoyed by, ‘I’m sorry.’ I used to say, why are you sorry? It means you did something you shouldn’t have done. Not the most open and forgiving response, but I was much younger then and didn’t know what I know now. (And still learning there is a lot I still don’t know)!

This goes along with my inSight a couple weeks ago about change. This is all about accountability. We are going to make mistakes. So are the people around us. But I believe, if we don’t own our part and take accountability, with a plan to do things differently, it’s just another wasted sentence. I’m sorry means nothing.

It’s one thing to apologize for stepping on someone’s toe. It’s quite another thing to hurt someone’s feelings by making it seem like there is something wrong with them.

I’ve had to apologize. And today, when I do, it looks like this. (Only once it’s sincere and I’ve actually given the situation some serious thought). And this is worth mentioning because you have to feel it. If I’m told to apologize, and I’m not sorry, I won’t say it. Stubborn? No, that’s just not authentic. I need time to reflect, own my part and see what I’m willing to change.

If I was mean to you, which apology would you prefer?

1. I’m sorry I was a jerk and was mean to you. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn’t mean to.

   OR

2. I’m sorry that I got angry at you and said mean things to you. I see I have some hurt inside I clearly haven’t dealt with. You shut down when I raise my voice or put you down. You’ve asked me in the past to not ‘keep on you’ when you’ve shut down and aren’t willing to talk. In those moments, I’m not respecting you or your wishes, even though I say I respect you. I am seriously working on not reacting when I’m triggered and I don’t want to be mean to you. I care about you. This may take time, and I might be good for a while and then fall back, but I’m committed to changing my behaviour. I’m really sorry I hurt you.

OK, so next time you apologize to someone - what are you working on and how will you show up differently? Unless we change, we’ll keep replaying these hurtful patterns and the fight might never go away. And the relationship will suffer.

As long as you're doing better than you used to, you're going in the right direction. In time, the change will take hold.


All my love,
K 💛